ABOUT ME

Despite growing up on a North Korean opium plantation I enjoyed a normal, well-balanced upbringing. It therefore came as a huge surprise to both family and friends when, at the age of seventeen, I joined the Mexican Pro Wrestling circuit. Mexican Pro Wrestling is a cruel and unforgiving sport for a Welshman of my diminutive stature, so before long it was on to pastures new.

After my much-publicised split from the Backstreet Boys it was clear to everyone involved that I was not cut out for the showbiz world. I had enjoyed a short but full career, three platinum albums, two world tours, but it wasn't me. I packed my bags, said my goodbyes, and was gone.

The next four years are a little hazy.
As part of an elite Delta Force-style combat unit I fought in two civil wars, undertook covert operations in Somalia, Croatia, Uzbekistan, Columbia, and Merthyr Tydfil, and was personally involved in the destabilisation of more than one international arms import/export operation. It was a gruelling, disorientating life, both mentally and physically, and four years is more than I think anyone can bear (if they intend leaving with their sanity intact). It was therefore decided that a nice quiet office job would be the ideal way to re-introduce me back into the real world, and since then that is what I have done.

I would be lying if I said there aren't days when I fondly look back on those moments when I stood in front of 80,000 fans in a packed arena, all screaming my name. Or that sometimes I don't wince and smile at the same time when I recall the Mighty Rodriguez drop kicking me from the fourth rope, before putting me in a half-nelson and kneeing me in the ribs. But those were different times, and I was a different person then.

Besides, I'll always have the memories...

(Still need to know more? Time to take the red pill then...)